It’s already May…and I realized I have to refocus

UPDATE 2: A topic about focus sure is not being focused enough…maybe the point is that it is a struggle of mine :-0 due to some “bought” tutorials on Udemy, they focus on using blender and unity together. And this is because Unity so far is still something of a easy to use engine for 3d. Learning blender ticks this focus list, however doing 2d games is still on my plate, or rather, 3d game assets converted to 2d sprite aesthetic, so I can still combine 2d and 3d at the same time.

UPDATE 1: Decided to include gamedev with programming, maybe alternating both when bored. In case, gamedev is strictly 2d for now, since to create assets, will learn drawing skills and some 2d game assets. Also for 3d, decided to focus on Blender to maximize learning and add from previous learning experiences. Zbrush may be good, but my art skills are not good enough to maximize such software. Need to be back to basics first.

3 months after I had said that I will be better at focusing on activities and then not much has happened. Given that there had been activities here and there that were finished, but instead of being motivated to do more, it actually gave me insight on what I really want to do with my life and time.

Coupled with bouts of sickness, boredom, laziness, confusion, and stress at some day to day activities and basically, I became somewhat lost. I was thinking of having a reset and refocus on this year, but I haven’t done much yet, but I will from this time maybe along the month of May.

First of all, I have suddenly realized having a lower interest in creating a game. A story is fine, which I was thinking I was creating it into a game, but then I find it hard to really have an idea of how to make it into one. Game mechanics, etc. are not of much interest for me to figure out right now; if given a choice, I would just take an existing genre and create from there. Also my decision to make a game was more related to complement my career in Software development, and making games as a learning tool for programming adds an additional layer of difficulty compared to the many todo apps that are basis of most programming tutorials.

Funny that I was interested in programming due to want to make a game, and when I was a game developer at work, I found it boring and uninteresting. Which gave me an existential crisis back then (maybe up to this day haha). Will I make a game in the future? probably, a desire is still there, but not that strong. Also, it adds confusion to me in the sense that I have to learn programming skills but instead having analysis paralysis on what game engine or framework to use, which is a waste of time.

Now, there is a hobby that I have done, but suddenly became bored, maybe because of the high learning curve: blender and 3d. On and off I have learned blender but my reason is again I was finding a reason to change careers after my existential crisis for gamedev, and ironically I found it in creating art assets….for gamedev. Or so I thought. Though I am also wanted to learn animation, but more as compliment to my story, which I thought was the best thing since anime (haha)… let’s just say my inspiration was if you think you can do better, then make your own…and then it was VERY HARD. So hard that I am eating my words. If I had kept into it I might have been good, but no, I didn’t because again of over-analyzing, so my skills are not that good enough.

So what will I do now? I don’t really know much yet, but for a start, I’ll change direction slightly:

  1. Focus on gamedev with Unity alternating with programming skills by not limiting it to work but also as a hobby. My interest in programming languages is still present; in fact I think I am not practicing enough. Hopefully by being better at it I can enhance my love for gamedev. Will give chance to it at least this year. If nothing happens then it probably is not meant to be. Will do this by doing what is most interesting at the moment, if I get bored with gamedev for example, then I shift to programming skills related to current work.
  2. Continue with blender 2.8 and wait for an upcoming tutorial for 2.8. Basically a CGBoost tutorial, but may cost money, so it still depends. I’ll retackle sculpting with Blender while I improve my skills in art, and complement it with…
  3. Drawing, restart by looking into the 30 days of drawing. Generally, I was not that good, but when I was learning to draw back then I felt a sense of peace. Also it prevented me to be too addicted to internet browsing, so I find that I need to do that to be away from a PC from time to time. And also, I stopped because I felt I was not “improving” fast enough. I should just focus on the peace and enjoyment.
  4. Writing, this one I am evaluating, but I have a certain story in my mind right now and somehow I can’t let it go, so I’ll be trying this.

There. Hopefully something sticks this time, since I am again almost at the half of the year. And also I am going 37 now, should stop feeling sorry for my self and be a true adult for once, pick up myself and not be ashamed to ask for advice and help from others.

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